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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Bartender Guy (Ep3)

 
This morning's blog is something fun. This is episode three of a series I call the Bartender Guy, my attempt at writing satirically. I hope y'all enjoy and, always, feel free to comment.
 
 
Hey folks,
Once again it's Dave, your buzz specialist.
I serve alcohol.
Alcohol is defined as any of a series of hydroxyl compounds, the simplest of which are derived from saturated hydrocarbons, having the general formula CnH2n+1OH, and include ethanol and methanol. The effects are well known to any human who has experienced:
 
Loss,
Love,
Pain,
Sorority/Fraternity life,
First date anxiety,
First date,
Procreation (successful enabling of)
Political Career,
Bachelorism/Bacheloressism,
Marriage,
Divorce,
Barmitsvah,
Birth of child,
Graduation of child,
Imprisonment of child,
Loss of Job,
Loss of spouse,

Loss of pet...
 
I could go on for days with excuses for the modern person in our society to ingest this volatile colorless liquid. Just typing the above list made me want to take a stiff shot, but I digress from my point. I like to look on alcohol as life's little laxative. It helps you slide through this world just a little bit easier easing the pain of the before mentioned experiences.
 
But did you know that this little molecule disguised as a simple sugar to our human physiology has a far greater purpose and affect than our collective consciousness comprehends? There is a war being waged within our planetary society as a common foe is vanquished on a nightly basis all over our planet.
 
The first line of defense is not the mighty militaries of our superpower countries, or the technological prowess of the world's combined scientific community with their "all seeing" layer of spying
satellites pulled snugly around our planet's atmosphere. Nor is it, my fellow planetary inhabitants, a secret society of plasma cannon totting, brain erasing black clad suited men protecting us roaming our city and town streets in anonymity.
 
Do not fear though my brethren and sleep safe tonight for there is a force far more powerful than all of these entities combined. We tirelessly ward off the continuous onslaught of swarming off
planet-ors keeping our mother Earth firmly seeded with our humanity. No conquering alien force will ever take our world as long as there is breath enough in the last of our number to purvey our wares and fend these would be invaders off.
 
We are known by many names all over the world. Cantinero, barista, barmenis, baarimikko. With every nationality, race, creed, gender and color our task remains true despite our diverse ideologies
and political beliefs. To protect our world from alien domination...and to get fellow human beings plastered.
 
We are the proud,
We are the well versed in Mixology,
We are the world's bartenders.
Our secret weapon is one of disastrous and dastardly destructive power throughout our crowded corner of the universe. We protect the sanctity of our secret weapon hiding its clandestine
formula in devious mixtures with odd names like "Screwdrivers", "Royal Flushes" and "Harvey Wallbangers".
 
There are those amongst us that even tauntingly named offensive recipes "B52's", and "Sidewinder Missiles" endangering the anonymity of our well kept secret weapon. But fear not because we
have always managed to keep the molecular mix in the middle muted to the vigilant ears of our off world enemies.
 
For the tantalizing formula that numbs our brains and keeps our sanity barricaded against the tribulations of our mundane everyday stressful lives has a far more diverse effect on our freakish
foes. It renders them entirely brain dead sending them back to their home worlds with fractured minds and drooling babbling tongues. You may have even personally seen an alien life form bested by one of your planetary defenders before your very eyes without even knowing it....think about it.
 
In closing I would just add this one tidbit. Next time your brain has been professionally numbed by your preferred buzz specialist be sure to thank them personally with a bow or shake of the hand. TIP YOUR BARTENDER WELL for they are not just responsible for that peaceful warm and fun feeling you are leaving with within your belly. They are the reason man still rules this planet unhindered by alien invasion and domination!