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Thursday, May 2, 2013

Recognizing Psycho Vampirism

This is a concept I may use in another episode of Bartender Guy...

Having been a bartender for close to thirty years I have met many individuals over the time period. Reflecting upon those years I have met probably thousands of people, some engaging, some quite the opposite. Most that have fitted the mold of normalcy have faded from memory with the passage of time, but like bad memories, some patrons have been etched into the very tissue of my brain matter. Most of these dark and gloomy creatures belong to a special dark modern day coven. Just like the vampires of folklore their metaphorical fangs drip as they wander through our society disguised as one of us trying poorly to fit in. Within every crowd you will find these creatures gathering to feed…and they are always ravenous.

I began, several years back, calling them psycho vampires. Wikipedia defines psycho vampire as “a person or being who feeds off the "life force" of other living creatures.” That is perfectly phrased! That is exactly what these beasts do. Psychologists call this psychic interference. You have probably been fed upon and didn’t realize it. But, fear not citizens, I am here to warn you and point out the signs so you can guard against falling into their gluttonous attacks.

Have you ever had a conversation with an individual that left you drained, not only emotionally, but physically? Has anyone taken joy in making you feel depressed when things are at their best? Then, I’m sorry to inform you, they have already fed upon you. Now, after reading this first sentence you’re probably asking yourself, “holy crap, how many times have I been attacked?” or, “oh my god, is my brother/sister/son/daughter/mother/father/friend/co-worker a psycho vampire?” Do not fret friend. We all have endured their assaults, take comfort, you are not alone. These beasts have taken over many, but we can't let them have our world.

Here is how the feeding process works. The monster is drawn in by positive energy, usually in the form of emotional stimuli such as Joyfulness and happiness which triggers an immediate attack. They swoop in attempting to make you feel bad and they suck up the resulting negative energy left behind. The worse they make you feel, and the more disparaging the emotional crash, the fatter they get. In essence, they make you feel awful so they can feel better (one of the main characteristic of a psy-vamp is that they are pretty much miserable all the time).

NOTE: These creatures can feed off negative emotional stimuli, as long as they can make a potential target feel worse after an attack (see example one below).

The following are phrases to help you recognize a psycho vampire. If someone utters any of these, warn your friends, avoid eye contact with the creature and excuse yourself from the conversation. WARNING: do not try to throw any additional verbal jabs at the beast, you will only provoke and fuel its hunger urging it to feed further. A creature left unfed will move onto greener pastures attempting to find more gullible prey. To associate with a psy-vamp will only encourage it to come back and nourish itself again upon you.


PREY “I just had my finger broken at work. It hurts like hell.”
PSYVAMP: “That’s nothing,” said scoffing, “I had my arm broken in two places last year. You don’t know pain like I do.”
See what happened? That was a blatant attack.


PREY “I just got my first car! How do you like my new Honda?”
PSYVAMP: “My first car was a Mercedes,” said scoffing, “Hondas are for losers.”
Notice psy-vamps scoff a lot? It is like a tiger’s growl upon attack.


PREY “I just got my Science Fiction book published!”
PSYVAMP: “I have written a book,” said scoffing, “When I get mine published it will be a best seller. I don't read Science Fiction, it's for children.”
Remember, no one has ever done it better or had it worse than a psyvamp.

Remember to stay vigilant. The best way to avoid a complete Psycho Vampire Apocalypse is to keep our loved ones and our friends educated.  I hope I have left you folks a bit more informed on the subject of Psycho Vampires.